FIRST THINGS FIRST

I am updating my blog on my laptop while my husband is in his office transfering files from his old computer to the new PC. I am in my office on the main floor of our house and my husband's office is in the basement. The whole evening of approximately 3 hours after dinner and prior to going to bed, we were in different time space. I am sending email to my brother and sister in New York. My husband is sending email to his brothers in Michigan, Colorado and Virginia. Or he could be making purchases on Ebay from someone somewhere in the country.

Have you ever seen two people standing together, talking not to each other but to someone else on the cell phones? What about parents who talked and laughed on the cell phones while their child crying for their attention? These people are not in the moment, they are mentally away from the world around them. Physically they are not on the same planet with the people they are with.

Being present and being with someone physically and mentally is different from being at the same place, in the same room but a world apart. That was what I tried to explain to my husband that for many years even though we were together during Christmas celebration but there were 20 or 30 people around us. We were not with each other celebrating as husband and wife.

The first few years after we got married, my husband and I spent all the holidays with his parents. It was about three hours drive from where we lived. We got married in June, we spent July 4th, Labor Day in September, Thanksgiving in November, Christmas in December and stayed thru the New Year, then Easter in April, then Memorial Day in May, then July 4th - the visiting schedule started all over.

After three years, we began taking camping trips during Memorial weekend, July 4th and Labor Day. Thanksgiving and Christmas still spent with my husband's extended family. Christmas is the important religious holiday and also birthday celebration. Even after we moved to St. Louis, we still made the 8 hours drive in the stormy and snowy weather to Detroit, Michigan.

In 2005, after more than 15 years of our marriage, through the help of marriage counseling, my husband finally understood my request that I wanted to create our own Christmas traditions. For many years, my request was viewed as a conflict and disrespect to his family get-together. I did not know how to create healthy boundaries from the beginning. I should have been strong and clear about creating a family of my own and not the entire in-laws when we celebrate holidays. Family bonds are important but not when your spouse became secondary to your parents and siblings.

Traditional families are close and tight-knit but not at the expense of loving relationships between husband and wife. I believe in providing support to in-laws and to honor parents from both sides. I also believe the lines should be drawn as boundaries and placing your spouse as your priority and not an afterthought to your family. I have learned to speak up when appropriate, to stay strong and firm with requests that I felt threaten to my marriage.

I look forward to the four-day Thanksgiving holiday. I hope to just relax and spend time with my husband. I know we don't need to constantly be together. I just hope we don't spend too much time on cyberspace and neglect the real people in our real world.