WE NEVER SAY GOOD BYE

My Dad passed away in February 2001. Six years later, I am still mourning, grieving and still asking why God did not let my Dad live another ten, fifteen years to enjoy the fruit of his labor. My Dad would love being grandpa, taking his first grandson to school, walking him home from school and watched him grow up. I am still hurting and bitter that we finally achieved a comfort level of living and we were not able to share with my Dad. I finally found employment with good income that would have allowed me to provide my Dad a trip to China. Born and raised in Viet Nam, my Dad always felt very strong about our Chinese heritage.

I remembered as if it was yesterday when my brother called me at work and told me that I should come to NYC. My husband and I took the first available flight that evening. We did not get to the hospital until almost 10:00 that night. The whole time during the flight I prayed that my Dad would not pass away before I arrived.

I broke down in tears when I saw my Dad lying in the hospital bed. He looked so frail and helpless. Two years of treatment of chemotherapy for liver cancer had destroyed his living body. I saw hopelessness in my Dad's sunken eyes. He was prepared to die but he did not want to acknowledge the ending. Perhaps my Dad wanted to be strong for his family, the same strength he displayed to keep us calm when the huge wave almost swallowed our tiny boat. My Dad smiled when he saw me. "Don't cry," he tried to comfort me.

I was with my Dad while he spent his last ten days in hospice care. I tried to hide the intense sadness watching my Dad struggle for every breath. I wept when he was not looking because I could not stand seeing his body suffered. I helped the nurse washed my Dad. He closed his eyes to cover his embarrassment while his body being exposed. He apologized for being a burden when I fed him and when I put lotion on his body to help ease the itchy skin. I struggled to find hope and yet, wanted to let go. I was living in the darkness of despair. One minute I was hopeful that my Dad would again be well and that he would walk out of the hospice room. When the doctor came and told the nurse just try to make my Dad as comfortable as possible, I was thrown into the cold, dark waters of reality that there was nothing else could be done to save my Dad.

My Dad passed away on February 13th. We never say good bye. I still feel my Dad is with me, helping me when I have a bad day or visiting me in my dreams. Death shattered our physical connection but it never disconnected a father-daughter bond between us.

We'll Never Say Goodbye (by Larry Howland)

I cannot see you with my eyes
Or hear you with my ears
But thoughts of you are with me still
And often dry my tears
You whisper in the rustling leaves
That linger in the fall;
And in the gentle evening breeze.
I am sure I hear you call.
A part of you remains with me
That none can take away.
It gives me strength to carry on
At dawning of new day.
I think of happy times we shared.
And then I softly sigh.
But this I know - - we'll meet again
And never say goodbye.